Santa Baby

Dear Miss,

I don’t make a habit of responding to all of the correspondence we receive here at the North Pole, but in this case I feel I must make an exception. You appear to some misapprehension about what it is we do here. In case you have forgotten, I have included a copy of the text from your original letter below, with my own comments at places I feel need clarified.

Santa baby, just slip a Sable under the tree for me;
Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

I am glad to see that you understand that good behavior should be rewarded. However, our target audience dictates that we specialize in toys rather than luxury goods. It is also against our ethical guidelines to deal in animal pelts.

Santa baby, a ’54 convertible too, light blue;

Here at the North Pole, we build all items from scratch when requested. Vintage items are not kept in stock. Once again, I must mention that our focus is children, particularly the disadvantaged.

I’ll wait up for you, dear; Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

It is against our policies to enter a house while anyone remains awake. We feel it keeps everything simpler.

Think of all the fun I’ve missed;
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed;

I’ll admit, this one stumped me. However, I had a team of my best elf investigators look into it further, and they were able to come up with a list of twelve possible names.

Next year I could be just as good… if you check off my Christmas list

Christmas gifts are given as a reward for good behavior in the previous year, not as a bribe to ensure good behavior in the next. I realize this concept may be new to you, as my records indicate you have never held a job.

Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot;

Actually, it is.

Been an angel all year; Santa baby,

I have checked my list twice, and feel there must be an accounting error on your side. According to our records, you have been vain, abusive, and manipulative all year.

So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey, one little thing I really need…

Given all the children around the world who are actually in need, I feel that I must disagree with your using that word in this context.

The deed… to a platinum mine, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Platinum? You strike me more as a gold digger.

Santa cutie, fill my stocking with the duplex and checks;
Sign your ‘X’ on the line, Santa cutie,
and hurry down the chimney tonight.

We do not use any currency here. Bringing joy to children is all the riches we require.

Come and trim my Christmas tree with some decorations bought at Tiffany’s;

Decorating your tree is your own responsibility.

I really do believe in you;
Let’s see if you believe in me…

While belief is important, gifts are not given solely on that basis.

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing… A ring…
I don’t mean on the phone; Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Very clever.

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight!

With the large number of deliveries required in one day, I assure you haste will not be lacking. However, your requests for this year have been declined. I would encourage you, in the coming year, to spend more time looking to the welfare of others, and less time increasing your own material possessions.

Finally, the photograph you included with your letter was unnecessary, as my elves can identify the sender of every letter based solely on handwriting. Also, I ask that you not soak your next letter in perfume. It sent several of the elves in the sorting department into asthmatic fits.

Yours Truly,
Santa Claus

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