Hello members of my adoring public. I know you want more stories, but with the parents demanding so much constant attention it’s a miracle I’m able to find any time to keep you updated.
As you know, the parents really don’t enjoy life the way I feel they should. I wasn’t sure if there was any hope for them, but I knew I had to make an attempt. I’ve tried many different methods to improve their quality of life, and I wanted to let you know about my failures and successes in case you are ever forced to deal with parents of your own.
My first attempt was to give the parents some time off, in the hopes that they would use that time for personal enrichment. I set aside a few hours every night so that they could do whatever they wanted, but all they ever seemed to do with it was sleep. I blame myself. I should have known they were not capable of being left on their own, at least not yet.
Highbrow humor was equally lost on them. I tried many witty sayings and clever aphorisms, but everything clearly went right over their heads. I know many babies would become frustrated at this point, and for a moment I did despair, but I realized that if I wanted to improve the parent’s lives I would have to descend to their level.
Physical humor seems to be more in the parent’s range. For example, when daddy is trying to put my arm into a sleeve, he gets quite a kick out of watching me wave my arm in every direction except the direction of the sleeve. And of course, I can do the same thing with my legs, doubling the comedic potential.
Clothes changes offer many opportunities to inject levity. If I wait until the parents have changed my onesie, and then immediately spit up all over it, the parents seem to appreciate the irony and get excited by my clever interjection. The best part is, every time is just as effective as the first.
Diaper changes also provide great opportunities for physical comedy. While I was initially reluctant to engage in such lowbrow tactics, the results speak for themselves. If mommy has just taken away a completed diaper, almost any attempt at potty humor can cause her to completely lose it. If I repeat this multiple times in a row, it just becomes funnier. Soon mommy is laughing so hard she starts crying. On good days, she finds it so funny that she jumps straight to crying.
I say all that to say this: Just because something seems impossible at first, don’t give up. Sometimes you just have to rethink your strategy.