The following will include a lot of spoilers for The Force Awakens. If you haven’t seen it yet, you might want to avoid reading further. It could also potentially have spoilers for Episode VIII, but that’s only if I’m really lucky. On the other hand, my previous prediction wasn’t that far off.
In my land there is a mountain that everyone is forced to climb. From my youngest days, I listened to the elders tell us of it. While other children wasted their time in play, I trained. Some, realizing they must one day face the mountain, trained physically but I was wiser. I knew many skills would be required to reach the summit. I learned to measure people. I toughened myself to endure pain. I studied the known trails. I reviewed the accounts of climbers who had failed, and resolved that I would not fall into the traps that felled them.
Finally my day came. We gathered at the base of the mountain. I could tell most were unprepared. I sneered at them. However, among the crowd I spied a few who shared my ambition. They were my rivals.
I pretended to race ahead, but doubled back to plant traps. Only when I knew my competitors had fallen did I set to scaling the face of the mountain. I armed myself with the gear I had collected for this day. It was light but strong, and I bent my head to the climb.
It took many hours, but eventually I reached the final barrier to the summit: a bare rock wall. I set my hooks and grabbed my ax. The wall was treacherous, but I was skilled. Already my head filled with my victory. I was soon to be the king of the mountain. In my distraction, my hand slipped. The next instant I was reeling backwards.
As my eyes flew heavenward, I saw a vision that mocked me. Standing there, only feet above, was the mountain king, crowned with glory. I screamed in defeat, until the rocks smashed my bones. I lay broken, and waited for my death.
Then the mountain king appeared again. He bound up my wounds and pulled me onto his back. He fitted his crown on my head, and made the climb that had defeated me. At the top were other broken and defeated climbers. Each wore a crown.
I’ve always prided myself on my inventiveness. It’s what sets me apart from the parents. After all, when dealing with a difficult situation, thinking outside the box is an invaluable skill.
The parents often get strange ideas about who is in charge around here. The best example of this is the Hypnotizer. Ever since the parents introduced this vile device, they’ve acted like they’re in control, giving it and taking it away at their whim. It was maddening, but what could I do? They controlled all the Hypnotizers. Or so they thought.
I decided to show them once and for all that I am more than just a pretty face. I have my wits, and I decided it was time to fight fire with fire. I would create my very own Hypnotizer.
It was difficult at first. I ruled out the toys at once. The parents control them almost as zealously as they do the Hypnotizer. Clothing was a better option. While the parents may change them from day to day, they never take them away. I tried shirts, pants, and socks, but none quite had all the qualities I wanted. I was making good progress on a bib-based hypnotizer when serendipity struck.
As I was pushing the bib-hypnotizer into my mouth, it slid out of place, leaving only my thumb. Now, I had experimented with fingers early on, but the angle wasn’t quite right. Imagine my surprise when the thumb fit perfectly!
The design wasn’t complete, though. Occasionally my thumb would leap from my lips without warning. I soon discovered, though, that bracing my hand with the other put a stop to this behavior. Since that time the parent’s use of the hypnotizer has been ineffective. Proper order in the household has been restored.
Thanks to the excellent Let’s Encrypt project, this website is now being delivered over a secure connection. You probably won’t notice anything at all from that change, except for the little green lock icon, but I thought it was worth noting for posterity’s sake.