Getting a Leg Up

There are many advantages to being me, yet the parents have held one virtue hostage: height. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the parents’ carelessness. For example, when they accidentally happen place something out of my reach, which they do with frustrating regularity.

In the past I have been reduced to pointing and trying to make them understand their error, but, as you are only too aware, making the parents see sense is a losing battle. Fortunately, I have found a way to take the high ground in this situation. Literally.

By positioning myself atop objects I can make myself arbitrarily tall. The best part is, if a surface is too high to reach directly, a simple application of logic allows me to bring it to my level. For example, suppose that Mommy has careless left the phone on the back of the couch where it’s too high for me to reach. The seat of the couch is too high for me to climb onto directly. What am I to do? I simply grab my chair, push it to the couch, climb into the chair, from there onto the couch, and just like that I have the phone, no parents required.

Naturally, this strategy works with any height. Chairs and boxes can easily be moved to new locations, and even carried to higher heights, if a direct path is not available. If you do try this strategy at home, make sure to do it quietly when the parents are not around. I have faced multiple occasions when the parents, for reasons only they know, removed an important part of my path, or even took me to another room.

Once you have reached the object you desire, there are multiple ways to get back down. If the height is not too great, I prefer the head-first method. It is direct and quick. For larger heights, the best option is to whine loudly until a parent comes and places you back on the floor.

Hermaneutics

The crowds were noticeably increased the week before Passover. A destitute widow slowly worked her way through the commotion to drop two copper coins into one of the temple’s collection boxes. Jesus called out to his followers: “Look at that widow! Most of these people are only giving a small percentage of their money, but she gave one-hundred percent. Everyone should be more like her. Then we could finally add on that new wing, replace the carpet in the sanctuary, and hire a full-time childcare coordinator.”


Jesus called out to his followers: “Look at that widow! Giving money to the very people who are plotting to kill us!¬†She and all the rest of those sinners will burn in hell!”


Jesus called out to his followers: “Look at that widow! Another stupid sheeple, blindly following the religious establishment. Wake up! Fight the system!”


Jesus called out to his followers: “Look at that widow! Putting money into the temple when it is already scheduled for destruction. She should be giving that money to my ministry instead.”


Jesus didn’t say anything to his followers, because drawing attention to the poor is rude.


Jesus called out to his followers: “Look at that widow! Here’s a perfect example of injustice. She is going to starve herself to support the lavish lifestyle of self-righteous religious leaders, because they told her it’s God’s will.”


Jesus called out to his followers: “Hey Judas, that woman just gave away all her dinner money. Go give her a few bucks and a tract.”


Jesus is too busy talking to his followers about their big outreach project to notice the widow shuffling by.