Foreign Tongues

I never thought I’d say this, but I’ve been learning a lot from the parents recently. I had been puzzled by their language for some time, but I recently had a major breakthrough: when parents say something, what they actually mean is the exact opposite. I needed to share this insight with my audience, in the hopes that it will help other babies who have difficult parents.

I have compiled a simple lexicon that should help illuminate the parental tongue:

  • “No” – Keep doing what you’re doing as soon as we look away
  • “No No No No!” – We really enjoy that. Do it a few more times and we’ll give you a ride around the house.
  • “Don’t touch that” – Take every opportunity to touch that.
  • “Leave that on the table” – Remove everything from the table.
  • “Come here” – Run away.
  • “Go to your room” – Visit every room in the house but your room.
  • “Clean up” – Start playing with the toys on the floor.
  • “Give that to me” – Eat that.

I feel confident that I will soon have finally mastered the parents’ language.