Optimizing

Before I begin, I’d like to thank all my fans. It’s babies like you that help me carry on when faced with the sheer incompetence of the parents. I don’t know how I’d have made it through the year without you.

I know it comes as no surprise that the parents have some unique quirks, and if I took time to document them all I’d never get anything else done, but have you noticed the way they eat? They put their food on tiny round trays that aren’t even attached to their chairs, and then, rather than put food in their mouths with their hands like any civilized person, they poke at it with funny-shaped sticks, and whatever doesn’t fall off they eat. It amuses me that they can be so slow and never realize their error. Seriously, did they forget they have fingers?

Of course, were this just another of their weird habits I would have let it slide, but now they’re trying to force me to play their game. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing with toys while I eat as much as the next baby, but they want me to use their sticks for every single bite. In fact, if I try to touch the food like a normal person, they stop me! I swear, I should never have started learning their language. Now they think I want to be just like them!