I know I’ve only been here a bit over a week, but I think I arrived just in time. Mom and Dad couldn’t get anything done without me. You think I exaggerate, but I seriously can’t even imagine how they survived before I got here to keep them focused. They’re okay as long as I stay on them, but if they think I’m not looking, they just goof off and waste time.
Mommy is always crawling off somewhere to get some sleep when she thinks I won’t notice. I mean, come on. I’m a much better sleeper than she is. She should just leave that to the professionals.
Compared to Daddy, though, she’s a workaholic. If I don’t keep him focused on me, he just sits aimlessly staring at a glowing box, his fingers clicking randomly on the table in front of him. I honestly worry for his sanity, so if I catch him stuck in one of these trances I quickly remind him what he’s supposed to be doing.
So far things have been progressing slowly. Parents are not good learners, but I’m not giving up. Just give me enough time and I’ll get them whipped into shape.
One of the most important aspects of my job as family baby is to make sure that all relevant viewpoints are heard. Viewpoints such as “I want food” and “Pick me up now”. Without someone like me to voice these messages less sensitive souls, such as the parents, may forget the plight of the needy baby in their lives.
I take my responsibilities very seriously, and practice voicing my opinion whenever injustice occurs. After all, it is vital that the parents, and (for accountability purposes) all neighbors within a thousand yards, lend their ear to my stirring oration. My speeches sometimes go on at length, but I say that if you’re passionate about something then no amount of time is too much to make sure it is completely addressed.
The parents are not as democratically minded, I have discovered. As an example, last night a very important point needed to be made about how just because I had spit up my food all over Mommy did not mean that she should stop feeding me, but she and Daddy were far less supportive than I feel they should be. If you can imagine it, they actually started shushing me and, when I would not be silenced, they proceeded to attempt to trap me in a straitjacket they keep around. I say “attempt” because no one has yet built the restraint that can hold me.
As my speech grew more impassioned, I could see recognition dawning on the faces of Mommy and Daddy and, around midnight, they finally saw the righteousness of my cause. It feels good to know you’ve made a difference in the world.
I strive to be a good role model for the parents, and that includes demonstrating how to be a productive member of a family. Of course my administrative contributions alone are more than sufficient, but I feel it sets a better standard if I also contribute in some material capacity. I know I’m too generous, but I don’t want the parents to think I am not pulling my weight.
To this end, I have been very attentive to the wants and needs of Mommy and Daddy. I noticed that even at the hospital they were very excited about the artwork I created in my diapers. They would check constantly to see if I had revealed any new creations, and tell the nurses all about my latest masterpieces. I figure that if my artwork makes them so happy, I should do my best to provide a constant supply. Some times I even add a little artwork to my clothing or the house, just to brighten their day a bit more.
Yet I feel that the parents are beginning to take advantage of my generosity. No sooner do I finish one work of art than they are taking it and giving me another blank canvas. Sometimes they are so eager that they try to take the diapers before I’ve had time to add the finishing touches, and I’m rushed to finish my art on the spot. I feel bad turning out pieces that I feel are not complete, but I guess if it makes Mommy and Daddy happy then I can forgive their impatience. Just seeing the excited looks on their faces makes it all worth it in the end.
Things with Mommy and Daddy are even worse than I thought. I know it will be hard to believe, but I must tell you the horrible truth I have uncovered.
I have been doing my best to make their lives more fulfilling and honorable. Every time they have been tempted to waste their time, I have intervened. Every time they overlooked their duties, I have been quick to remind them. Every time they’ve asked for a completed diaper, I have delivered. And yet, I find out now that all this time they’ve been taking advantage of my good nature.
I have completed many diapers for Mommy and Daddy, and hoped that it would bring some happiness to their obviously boring lives. They seemed eager enough to collect my masterpieces, filling many bags with their treasures. Then I noticed something strange. They put these bags into another bag and put it outside of the house. At first I applauded their willingness to share my creations with the neighborhood, but then something happened that cast everything in a new light.
Early in a morning a large truck pulled up and collected all of my artwork. A really big truck. Even all of my work wouldn’t come close to filling it. And that’s when I realized that I was working in a sweatshop, turning out diapers for free so that the parents could resell them on the black market at a sizable profit. And not just that. Given the size of the truck there must be other babies all around the world forced into this same unknowing slavery. Babies of the world, we must unite against this injustice. Demand a fair wage for your work. If not for ourselves, then for the babies yet to come.
Mommy and Daddy are up to more dirty tricks. It all began the other night when I had a very important point that I felt needed to be addressed. I don’t remember now what that point was, for reasons you’ll soon understand.
It was growing late and Mommy and Daddy were being as thick-headed as ever. To be honest, I was beginning to wear down myself, when suddenly Mommy reaches into her big brown bag and pulled out a package. She took it to another room and returned a few minutes later carrying a nefarious device.
I tried to protest, but they forced the device into my mouth while I was still speaking. A powerful urge overtook me. Try as I might, I could not free my lips from the device’s grasp. It seemed to pull me in. I felt my jaw moving completely on its own, and then I blacked out. I awoke many hours later in a completely different part of the house!
One can only guess at what sort of mischief the parents got into while I was under this strange spell. I’m going to have a serious talk with them. If they don’t get their acts together, I’m not sure this arrangement is going to work out.
You all know about the trouble I’ve had with the parents lately. At times I wonder if it’s even worth sticking with it. They seem downright untrainable. I know I shouldn’t be too hard on them. They’re not very bright and, honestly, just about completely helpless. It would be wrong to abandon them. Who knows what they’d do on their own? I just need to try a different approach.
Given all of the shenanigans that they have pulled recently, I need to let them know that I’m still here for them. Of course, I have to keep things simple. Mommy and Daddy aren’t at a level where I can really deal with them as equals. I decided to encourage a bit of team spirit with a few games. To keep it at the parents’ level I chose guessing games that even they can grasp. Games like “Guess if I’m asleep”, “Guess if the diaper will hold”, and “Guess what I really want.” Mommy and Daddy are actually pretty bad at these games, but I give them credit for trying. If they continue showing this much enthusiasm, I may finally be able to get them on the right track.
Lately I’ve seen some encouraging signs. Not from Mommy and Daddy, of course. They’re still as hopeless as ever, but other parents came to visit. They didn’t bring their baby with them, which is a shame because I’d really like to meet her. She did a great job of training them. Unlike the parents I have to work with, these parents actually know how to behave themselves.
None of this wandering off to do things when I require their attention. No refusing to bounce me or give me rides around the house. Certainly no using the hypnotizer to shut me up. Oh no, these parents actually know what they’re doing. They know exactly how to hold me. They listen to me and give me plenty of compliments. It’s feels so good to be in the hands of professionals. I hope Mommy and Daddy are paying attention.
I’ve been here for almost two months now, and I think Mommy and Daddy are starting to get to me. When they started using the hypnotizer on me I didn’t realize just what they had done. Yes, it seemed like a nasty trick, but then the hypnotizer was gone again and things returned to normal. A few nights later, Mommy and Daddy tried the same trick again. I tried to humor them. After all, they’re only parents.
But when they tried it a third time, I had to draw the line. I spit out the hypnotizer and let them know exactly what I thought about their behavior. That’s when it started. My mouth started sucking, even though I didn’t have the hypnotizer anymore. Soon all I could think about was having the hypnotizer back. I couldn’t rest until it was returned to me.
It kept getting worse and worse. Even during the day I’d find my jaw moving on its own. At night I lay awake, thinking about the hypnotizer. I can’t sleep without anymore. Just being laid down brings thoughts of it to my mind. I have to admit the facts. I have an addiction. Do any babies out there know of a good recovery group?
By this point I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised anymore. Mommy and Daddy just don’t understand some basic things about life yet, and I can’t be mad at them for that. These things take time, after all. Still, I find their current behavior puzzling. I can be resting peacefully and all of a sudden one of them will declare “tummy time.”
They’ll place me on my playmat and watch as I flail about. They get really excited whenever I push myself around the mat. I don’t like to ruin their fun, but I can’t help wondering if there is something wrong with their brains. I mean, hello, if I wanted to go somewhere I’d have one of them carry me. I can’t be subjected to the indignity of crawling around using my own limbs. What would the other babies think?
Mommy and Daddy have been falling woefully behind in their housekeeping duties. I don’t understand what they find so difficult about these simple tasks, but I have decided to step up and be the change I want to see.
I discovered that when I place dirty objects into my mouth, they come out with a delightful glossy shine. Not only does this work with common household items, but it is also effective on clothing and skin. At first I started small, just spot treating my clothes or Mommy and Daddy, but after seeing the results, I’ve been inspired to take on the whole house.
This ambition has been complicated, as is so often the case, by the parents. It almost seems as if they don’t want me to clean things up around here. They try to keep me away from the objects that need my help, but this has only served to enhance my creativity. I have discovered that, with careful aim, I can clean many items throughout the house. Mommy and Daddy, seeing my example, will often grab a rag and join in the cleaning. The house has never looked so good.