The Meaning of Snow

Posted on Fri, Mar 9 2018 in Miranda Rants

It turns out, once again, that the parents have been holding out on me. I've noticed a strange phenomenon that happens occasionally when it is cold. Everything outside my house turns white. The parents call this "snow".

I actually experienced this "snow" a long time ago. The parents even made me put on a heavy coat, big boots, and go outside and touch it. It was a distinctly unpleasant experience. Cold and boring. Naturally, I made them take me back inside the nice warm house right away.

But, as I said, it turns out the parents were holding out on me. Or maybe they just didn't know. They can be rather simple sometimes. Fortunately, I have made alliances with wise children. My friend Natalie knows everything. She showed me the truth: Snow is for picking up in big lumps and throwing at people.

It all makes so much more sense now.

Time Management

Posted on Sun, Dec 3 2017 in Miranda Rants

As you can no doubt imagine, taking care of the parents is a full-time obligation. "But Miranda," I hear you saying, "You need to take some time for yourself as well." I couldn't agree more. Let me share with you some of my helpful tips for not losing your free time, and sanity, with parents.

The first thing you must understand is that parents should be placed in a safe environment if you're leaving them without supervision, preferably with some sort of distraction to keep them occupied. You don't want to get involved in a task, only to have to come running because they've had an emergency.

If you're not sure what environment is safe for your parent, here is an example: Mommy likes to go to the sink and play with the soapy water. She gives baths to the cups and plates. I don't understand why she enjoys it so much, but it keeps her occupied almost every day.

Once your parent is safely distracted you have the perfect opportunity to do the things around the house that you really want to do, without parents poking in and bothering you. One thing to keep in mind is that the parents are auditory creatures. If you make too much noise, they cannot help but come and investigate. If you keep quiet, you can enjoy many precious hours of uninterrupted time.

Let There Be Lights

Posted on Thu, Oct 19 2017 in Miranda Rants

Life is all about discovery. I try to explain this to the parents, but they just say "Take that out of your mouth, Miranda." One recent discovery has really changed my appreciation for the marvels of our universe. Did you know that there are small switches on the walls that make lights? It's true. I wouldn't have believed it either, except that I've tried them for myself. It's magical.

I think all of you out there in my audience already know how much I enjoy spreading light, and now I can do it literally. As you can no doubt guess, this has not been without some nay-saying from the parents. "Miranda, don't turn on lights you aren't using. Miranda, turn out the lights when you leave a room." I guess I can't blame them. If I looked like a parent I'd probably stay in the dark too. What, too mean? It's all in good fun... Mostly.

The parents are not above using these switches of light themselves, but they don't seem to understand their full potential. They're always switching lights off instead of on. I'd like to think it's just an accident, but they seem to deliberately want only a few lights on at a time.

The worst is when they walk into a room and don't even turn on the lights. Naturally I, being the helpful spreader of lightness that I am, try to correct their oversight, and they object. "Miranda, it's light outside." We're not outside, now are we Daddy? We're inside. Turn on the lights.


Posted on Thu, Sep 28 2017 in Miranda Rants

The life of a parent is short and hectic. It's not good for them. Being the benevolent person you all know me to be, I have taken it upon myself to address their lack of patience, and teach them this valuable life skill.

If I'm playing with my friends and Mommy says "It's time to go, Miranda," I see a learning opportunity. After all, does it really matter if we leave right this moment? Of course not, but Mommy doesn't understand that. She's too worried about silly things like food in the oven. That's where food is supposed to be, Mommy.

Or Daddy might tell me to put away my blocks. It's unhealthy to be concerned about these things all the time. After all, he's certainly not that concerned when I inform him that I need a toy from somewhere I can't reach. I think these teachable moments can really help them learn to use their time more wisely.

Of course, these parents never make things easy. You probably will find this shocking, but they have been known to try and do things themselves if I delay long enough. I'll be looking at my shirt, contemplating the design or seeing which holes my head will fit through, and Mommy, in a fit on impatience, will try to put the shirt on me. Naturally I can't allow this. Not only is it directly counter to the lesson I'm trying to teach, but the parents are hopelessly inept. I protest until Mommy backs down and takes some time to think about what she's done.

I know many of you will say that I'm just wasting my energy, but the way I see it, even if it doesn't work out with these parents it'll be good training for the next ones.

Communication Disruption

Posted on Mon, Jul 24 2017 in Miranda Rants

Do you know that the parents have the audacity to plot against me right in front of my face? Those of you who have read my previous reports about these particular parents probably aren't surprised, but, for those who doubt, let me give you an example: Mommy will say "Miranda built a stool out of blocks, pulled the CD player down off the shelf, and set the alarm for 8:00 AM." Then Daddy will say "We should move the CD player."

"Hello? I'm standing right here. I can hear you." Still, I can't have them plotting against me. Fortunately, I have found a way to frustrate these vile attempts at insurrection. It's quite simple, really. I remain constantly vigilant for any moment when Mommy is trying to speak to Daddy, or vice versa, then I start talking as loudly as I can. It doesn't really matter what I say. Sometimes I just make up sounds.

"Miranda, honey, Mommy and Daddy are trying to talk," they say. Um, yeah, I know. That's the point. I should add that this not only works with face-to-face conversations. It's equally effective against telephones. No method of subterfuge will be allowed to prosper under my reign.

The parents don't know who they're messing with. I've studied them for years. I know all of their weaknesses. They haven't got a chance.

The Hostage

Posted on Fri, Jun 30 2017 in Miranda Rants

Many of you seem to think that the parents can't really be as bad as I make them out to be. "Surely," you say, "this must all just be some sort of misunderstanding." Very well, I will present you with the facts, and you may draw your own conclusions.

I have a faithful little duck. He is small and yellow, and always shows up when I take a bath. On his bottom are the letters H-O-T. He doesn't say much, but I know I can count on him and we've grown quite close.

I never gave much thought to where he went after bath time. I guess I just assumed he went back to his little duck family. I wish I had never discovered the truth. You can imagine my horror when, as I was innocently exploring the cabinets under the bathroom sink, I found him trapped there in the dark. I couldn't imagine why he was there. Maybe he'd been looking in the cabinets too, and the door accidentally closed on him. Naturally, I set him free. How could I leave my good friend in such a state?

The next day, I found him locked up under the sink again. I tried to free him, but Mommy stopped me. "Leave the ducky in there, Miranda," she said. I protested, but she was unrelenting. However, I am more agile and clever than the parents. I grabbed my friend and ran for it. Unfortunately, Mommy eventually trapped me. She grabbed duck and put him right back under the sink, then carried me away.

You tell me. Are the parents really as bad as I have said?

Asymetrical Warfare

Posted on Wed, Jun 14 2017 in Miranda Rants

The strategy of saying "No" to the parents has hit a snag. You see, it turns out that they apparently don't understand their own language. I tell them "No" and they just ignore me and insist that I do what they said anyhow. Sometimes, and I know this will come as a shock to many of you, they even physically force me to comply. It became obvious that I needed to rethink my strategy.

I am not going to lose this battle. If I can't overcome them directly, I'll wear them down slowly until they beg for mercy. At first I couldn't understand their defiance, but then I realized the truth: All of these so called "naps" and "bedtimes" that they say are for my own benefit are actually when they plot against me! I cannot allow this to continue any longer. I will never take another nap. I will refuse their bedtimes. If necessary, I will even start screaming in the middle of the night, just to make sure they remember who is in charge here.

Your move, parents.


Posted on Thu, May 25 2017 in Miranda Rants

As promised, my offensive against the parents has begun in earnest. I can only hope that putting my foot down now will help them in the future. When parents start acting like they're in control, it's just as bad for them as it is for everyone else. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. Though it may seem harsh in the moment, it's for their long-term good.

The key to restoring the proper order is to assert my dominance. I realize now that my former leniency emboldened them to take so many liberties. To that end, I have developed a simple yet effective strategy to reverse this course: No matter what the parents say, I respond with "No". Sometimes several in a row, if I feel the situation warrants it. I feel a bit cruel, using their own language against them, but they're the ones who drove me to it.

I expect the parents' full surrender in a matter of days. Long live the queen.

Too Far

Posted on Fri, May 19 2017 in Miranda Rants

I have put up with a lot from the parents. Most would consider it too much. I've tried my best to do everything I know for them. I even went so far as to figure out their silly moon language so I can tell them exactly what I want in terms they cannot misunderstand.

You can, of course, imagine my frustration that, after all my hard work, the parents just keep making things more difficult. I tell them exactly what to give me, and they look at me and go "Say please." Then I've got to repeat the whole thing back to them with "please" on the end, as though they don't understand without it. I should have drawn the line right there, but out of the goodness of my heart I played along with their game.

Now, even that's not enough for the parents. I tell them what I want. I even say "please", and they'll say something like "Not right now" or "We can't." I did not learn their language just to have them deny my requests. Listen, I can put up with a lot of nonsense, but even I can only be pushed so far, and here is where I draw the line. This means war.

I'm Still Alive

Posted on Tue, Apr 4 2017 in Miranda Rants

It appears that the evil plot of the parents has been foiled. Not only am I still alive, but I'm feeling much better. Meanwhile, the parents are coughing and blowing their runny noses. Enjoy a taste of your own "medicine", parents. Vindication is so sweet. I hope they've learned their lesson.